Change Me

Take me by the hand.

Tell me a story that I haven't heard before.

These cliche happy endings are becoming monotonous.

I'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person that I was.

Whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

I don't even know what they are.

But it'll be new and exciting.

I want to experience something that is unknown to me.

Make me laugh or cry.

It's been awhile since I've done either.

I just want to feel something other than the pain.

It'll have to be powerful, nothing can lessen the sadness.

Let's run away.

Into the neon lights and secondhand smoke.

Change my life for better or worse.

I'm right behind you.

Fire and Ice

Fire and ice.
Isn't it nice?
To have such variety?

You say you're unique.
But it's conformity you seek.
You don't have to lie to me.

You know the truth.
You don't need proof.
You're not as different as you seem.

Reality check,
I'll be back in a sec.
Please come down from your dream.

I suggest you don't lie.
Have no regrets, and then die.
That's the way it'll be for me.

Just be what you want.
Try not to flaunt.
It's not so hard can't you see?

Fire and Ice.
Isn't it nice?
To have such variety.

Do You See What I See?

The dawn rising from behind the jagged mountains.
Blue, green, and orange artificial lights blinking. Taking up energy.
A crooked rug that will be my favorite item in my New York apartment ten years later.
The outline of the black desk that took hours to put together. Words of frustration.
Do you see what I see?
Tissues that wiped away the tears. The blood.
Superficial happiness lining the bookshelf.
Memories of a time when I was happy arranged in order from smallest to biggest on the window sill.
A shiny new computer contributing to the bleeding.
Do you see what I see?
Do you want to?

Death

Black
Darkness
Total serenity
Quiet
Nothing
Intolerable silence
Soul leaves body
No mind
No thoughts
Stillness
Lost
Death

Is This Our Last Tomorrow

Is this our last tomorrow?
Will I ever see the rain again?
Falling from the sky like God is crying for me.

Will I ever smell the flowers in the garden again?
The way they look when the sun hits them just right.
Making them look like gold.

Will I ever feel the fur of a dog again?
Matted, moppy, and marvelous.

Will I ever see you again?
Wonderfully handsome in your t-shirt.
As beautiful as a sunset.

Is this our last today?
Is this our last tomorrow?

Finally

Just the other day I laughed so hard I started to cry.
Funny when just minutes before I wanted to die.
I'm finally feeling love, not hate.
I'm living day to day,
Not thinking about my fate.
I'm excited for life,
No longer scared.
I'm going to be me.
The person who always cared.
I have my scars, yes that's true.
But I'll deal with it.
What more can I do?
I'll cry and laugh
And sing and shout.
I'll live my life.
There's no doubt.
You tried to stop me but now i'm through.
I'm going to be me.
I'll do what I want to do.
So disappear with your hateful sneers.
You're done causing my tears.
When I cry,
It'll be tears of joy.
Not sorrow.
I'll live in the moment.
I won't think about tomorrow.

Scars

Peel back the layers of cotton and denim.
Expose my secrets for what they are.
Scars.
Little arrays of pink and white lines.
Organized in neat little rows.
Words of rage in stanzas on my thigh.
Long thin strips of hate painted on my wrist.
Furious scabs cover my leg.
Rigid and hard.
Memories fading into scars.
Regrets of sadness.
Depression.
Failed suicide attempts.
Peel back the layers of cotton and denim.
Expose my secrets for what they are.
Scars.

Last Breath

I watch your chest rise and fall as you silently breathe.
You're dreaming.
I can tell because you're smiling.
Something I haven't seen you do since I was little.
The sun shines through the transparent pane,
Making your hair look like gold.
I take out my camera and click.
Golden Waves.
You quietly wake.
Your smile fades.
"I'm so sorry." You say.
"I know." I reply.
I take one last picture.
Last Breath.

Moon Lit Thoughts

I lay quietly.
Listening to the sound of my breathing.
A black cloak surrounds me.
The only light coming from the moon outside my window.
Thoughts zig zag back and forth through my head.
Dying.
Living.
Dreaming.
Loving.
I'm afraid to go on.
Afraid to see what will happen tomorrow.
And the days to come.
Afraid to dream grisly dreams.
Dreams that no one should have to see.
Afraid to love you.
Because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't want to mess it up.
I turn over onto my side.
Hiding the moon from my view.
Thoughts zig zag through my mind.
But I know how to silence them.

Emotional Abuse

You hurt me everyday,

don't you see?

Laughing at my dreams and wishes,

You define me.

Indifferent to the pain you cause,

The scars you bring.

I'm just sick,

Sick of this emotional abuse thing.

Every laugh is another bullet,

Right to my inner core.

Then the screams escalate,

Like a nineteen year old in war.

I try to shut you out.

To silence every word.

But you break down my walls.

Just to make sure I've heard.

I'm pleading with you,

Just stop this fight.

But you just laugh and say you won't.

So I'll do my best to be gone by tonight.

Maple Tree

I climb up the cracking maple tree.
A familiar scent overpowers me.
Making me freeze on a thick branch.
The fresh autumn smell of crispness.
I continue up the fiery dragon.
Making quick steps before my weight causes thin branches to break.
Looking through the colorful array of leaves,
I imagine i'm on top of the world.
Nothing surrounds me except the camouflage of leaves.
I'm alone.
No voices or screams.
Only me and the occasional crunch of the cracking bark.
I stay there perched on the top branch for at least ten minutes.
Just breathing in the fresh clean air.
Slowly, sadly, the world comes back.
House by house.
Person by person.
Middle aged women pushing strollers along a grey sidewalk.
Young men teaching their child how to ride a bike.
I climb down from my hidden sanctuary and wander into the musty house.
I push open the door and step around empty beer cans.
He slowly walks around the corner.
I see him smile so slyly.
"And just where have you been?"
He asks, now face to face with me.
I smell the liquor on his breath.
I try to say nowhere but nothing comes out.
He slowly unbuckles his belt and I close my eyes.
I'm back on the maple tree.

The Light

You say hateful things but I will stay strong.
You say I'm too weak but I'll prove you wrong.
You make me cry, and I won't lie, it hurts.
It hurts so bad I want to die.
To know everything you say about me is a lie.
So I'll cry myself asleep tonight.
But tomorrow, I'll come into the light.
I'll breathe and laugh and spin.
You'll never taunt me again.
I'm freeing myself from your rusty chains,
And putting the blood I lost back into my veins.
To know it's almost over,
Makes me want to scream.
I'm so close, it has to be a dream.
I can see the end, I'm near.
I walk into the light.
No more fear.

Happy

I felt alive.
I could literally reach out and touch the clouds.
No one could stop me.
Except you.
You took me by the arm and threw me to the floor.
You smiled at me.
You were happy.

In Front of Us

Fire proves fatal.
Scarring my already scarred facade.
Doing worse to others.
Questioning everything I thought I knew.
People losing faith in humanity.
Can you blame them?
Some wondering if we'll make it to the end.
Sometimes I wonder too.
Eyes bleed truth.
Mouth bleeds lies.
Destiny changing as we speak.
Breaking our "divine" path.
It's right in front of us...
Catastrophe.

Lose Control

Fall without crying,
Scream without caring.
Live like you're dying.
Do something daring.
Jump on your bed,
Lose control.
Shave your head,
There won't be a toll.
Have no regrets.
No need to defend.
Place your final bets.
It matters in the end.

Take The Leap

How long before my life is gone, will I ever know?
Should I keep worrying or should I just go?
I need to take the leap.
I need to feel the air.
I need to just let go.
I need to not care.
Someone told me to stop my crying because before I know it, I'll be dying.
So I need to take the leap.
I need to feel the air.
I need to just let go.
I need to not care.
Maybe in a minute,
Maybe in a year.
I guess I'll never know.
So I'll shed my last tear.
I'll take the leap.
I'll feel the air.
I'll just let go.
I won't care.

Monster

I take out my monster and it bites at my wrist.
Crimson poison exudes down my palm.
Fingertips.
It bites again.
Longer.
Harder.
It releases its grip but still wants more.
Imploring for another bite.
Yells from the house frighten it but it blindly pierces my skin once more.
I lock my monster away.
Temporarily silencing its pleas.
We all have monsters.
What's yours?

Neon

We step in.
The air smells of sweat and smoke.
Metallic tables glisten under the lights.
Green. Blue. Yellow. Red.
We walk to the middle of the floor.
Everything is electrifying.
The people, dancing to the music.
The drums, steadily playing.
And me.
It feels like lightning is striking me.
Like the music is pulsing through my veins.
Every muscle is pounding.
Heart racing.
It's electricity.
It's silver.
It's neon.

One Time Acts of Trouble

One time acts of trouble,
Are always on your mind.
Even when we're together,
A wrong doing you will find.

One time in particular,
Always plagues your thoughts.
Reliving that fateful night,
Never fails to tie your stomach into knots.

You promised it would be a night to die for.
How I wish you were wrong.
You told me you'd love me forever,
Which wouldn't be long.

We sat under the stars,
Just sipping red wine.
But when we were driving home,
You kept crossing the yellow line.

I told you to stop playing,
But you said you weren't.
It wasn't long until we crashed.
And my whole body got burnt.

You were okay.
Got out just in time.
You stood there looking at the flames.
I'm sure they were sublime.

You talked to the cops for a short while.
Instant death is what they said.
You didn't care how I died.
You just knew that I was dead.

One time acts of trouble,
Are always on your mind.
Even when we're together,
A wrong doing you will find.

Promise Me

She lives in a world of blackness.
Nothing can make her see.
Swimming in a black void.
Living everyday with uncertainty.

No one can truly help her.
She'll always be alone.
She looks, but there's no sign of any color.
Not a hue or a tone.

Reaching into the black abyss,
Someone takes her hand.
They guide here all the way,
Back to the hidden land.

"I'll never leave you." He says.
His voice filled with honesty.
"I know you won't" She replies.
"But you still have to Promise Me"

Never Forget

I feel the ground beneath me
But I can't shake this sense of falling.
Every time I look away,
I swear I hear you calling.
But that won't happen in this lifetime,
I know.
I just wish you didn't have to go.
So I'll shed a tear and fix this my own way.
Maybe I can finally stop dragging that razor across my body...
Someday.
You gave me the strength to stop.
But now you've went away.
So this is what I do now...
Every single day.
I see the people stare.
Maybe if you were here,
I wouldn't even care.
I can't even remember what you look like anymore.
Was your hair black?
Brown. I'm sure.
I can't deal with this feeling of loneliness for another day.
I just wish it didn't have to end this way.

Beautiful

Beauty is flawless skin.
Not having to wear any make-up.
Beauty is long flowing hair.
Perfect even when you get out of bed.
Beauty isn't just outside,
It's inside too.
Beauty is treating everybody with respect.
Being kind to people even when they don't deserve it.

Beauty isn't pink scars all over your body.
Trying to hide them with long sleeves and hoodies.
Beauty isn't an uneven buzz cut.
Shaved from the aftermath of your last suicide attempt.
Beauty isn't just on the outside,
It's inside too.
Beauty isn't pushing people away,
When they're just trying to help.

Yet, he still calls me beautiful...

Shattered

You played it off like you were joking.
But inside you were dying.
I should've known.
I was your best friend.
Still am.
So why didn't I see the pain in your eyes?
Behind your eyes?
You cried.
And all I did was look away.
Yes, it pained me to see you hurt.
But there was nothing I could do about it.
Your mind was made up.
You knew what it would do to me.
You knew I would crack.
And that's exactly what I did.
I jumped off my marble pedestal,
Into the ocean of concrete.
My porcelain shattered into a million pieces.
My flawless facade would forever be damaged.
It was then that I cried.
I cried for myself.
But mostly I cried for you.
Because you would never cry again.
And for that,
I'm sorry.

Dreaming

Somber tales of redundant glory plague your every thought.
Longing for the day when you can avail what you were taught.
Whispers speak of your utter shame.
You cry, needing your fifteen minutes of fame.
Narcissistic souls like to bring you down.
You wait for the day when you can finally escape this town.
Arbitrary dreams, wait to be fulfilled.
You set off in search of a city to help build.

Episodes of Truth

Hushed faults disappear into the black void.
As complicated or simple as the transition from day to night.

Forgotten regrets push you into a state of sorrow.
Like a red penned note from lover to lover.

Death reigns supreme.
A cliche not to be messed with.

Conformity tugs at you.
A child wanting their weathered blanket.

Hatred occupies your every thought.
Picturesque men wanting what they can't have.

Profound writings could change your life.
One truth could ruin it.

Little Secrets

Lacy underwear lace the floor.

A do not disturb sign hangs on the door.

Little blue pills hidden here and there.

Take one with her,

Get lost if you dare.

Dirty clothes strung all over the bed.

Awake or asleep she's the living dead.

Up all night with bloodshot eyes.

Little secrets.

Dirty lies.

Away From The Mirror

You are beautifully flawed.
An immaculate mistake.
Inside and out, you're messed up,
but that's what makes you you.
You're a work of art covered in dust,
once loved but quickly forgotten.
You shouldn't be so sad.
You have everything you could ever want.
But still, you cry yourself to sleep every night,
feeling unloved and ridiculed.
No one to call your own,
no one to call you theirs.
Disregarded by your "father"
and mocked by your dad.
No where to turn,
except away from the mirror.

Covered In Red

White walls surround me but I'm covered in red.
I feel so alive but I'm already dead.
The wind blows through me, wiping away my soul. Just another deadly toll.
No heart to beat or fingers to drum.
I'm not asleep, my time has come.
Memories flood through me, revealing my past.
When will this end? How long will this last?
White walls surround me but I'm covered in red.
I feel so alive but I'm already dead.

Remember

I remember our kiss I still feel it on my lips.
I remember our dance, hand in hand. In time with the band.
I remember the way you held me, in your arms. so strong.
I remember the way you hugged me, and hummed my favorite song.
I remember the way you talked about me, to your friends.
I remember the rumors and gossip, in the halls, it never ends.
I remember the way they looked. And how the people stared.
I remember the way I cried and realized that you never cared.
I remember going to my room, and picking up the knife.
I remember the first time thinking, I'm going to end my life.

Lullaby

Sing me a lullaby
one that I know.
Carry me softly
down this road.
Don't tell where we're going
don't tell why.
Just sing me to sleep
sing me a lullaby.

The Cure

I see him walking toward me.
Eyes yellow, skin grey.
Is there a cure for this disease he has?
He mumbles something under his breath,
too quiet for me to hear.
Is there a cure for this disease he has?
He is unaware of my presence,
I am not surprised judging by the state he's in.
Is there a cure for this disease he has?
He goes to the closet and takes out a gun.
My fear takes over,
My knees quiver and my hands shake.
Is there a cure for this disease he has?
He gets down in front of me, on his knees.
He grabs my hands and says all the voices will go away soon.
He kisses my cheek and bids me farewell.
Is there a cure for this disease he has?

Alive

I awake in a cold sweat.
Putting on my shoes I have a goal set.
Cold air bites my unclothed arms.
Weaving on my bike through unlit farms.
Making my way to the metal bridge.
Looking down over the mountainous ridge.
Surprisingly, your face comes into my mind.
I see all your features but your voice I can't find.
I take a step closer to the rumbling sea.
Soon with you, I will be.
You took your life now I'll take mine.
If you don't want me to just give me a sign.
A light in the distance, could it be?
A sign from you trying to save me?
A boy steps out of the car and walks toward the edge.
"You're not thinking of jumping off the ledge?"
I stand silent and stare at his face.
He has to hear my heart start to race.
A single tear falls down my cheek.
I don't want solitude it's love I seek.
I hugged that boy just as I would've hugged you.
You're dead now but it doesn't have to be the same for me too.

Two-Way Mirrors

Your eyes tell more than your mouth.
Speaking harrowing truths.
Mind meets words.
Deathly adjectives.
Scorning nouns.
Your eyes are two-way mirrors.
I can see your each and every thought.
Meaningful pleas for love.
Lust.
Affection.
Not caring which.
Desperate lies fighting my hate.
I can't love you.
Your soul is pure.
Your eyes show it.
Mine tell novels of loathing.
Ignorance.
Two opposite characters,
looking into two-way mirrors.

Story of My Life

Abandoned at a young age,
he didn't even care.
Mom married a jerk
who only sees what I wear.
Living my life
scared day to day.
Scared to die
and scared to fade away.
Crying myself to sleep
didn't help at all.
I needed a new way to cope
that's when I started the fall.
Causing myself pain
seemed just fine.
But a few months later
I had crossed the line.
Carving words in my leg
made the pain subside.
Left a nasty scar,
that's when I cried.
I couldn't stand to sob,
so I let the sharp edge drown my tears.
I didn't want to
but I had to face my fears.
I lifted my pant leg up to my knees
and inspected the scars that were sure to please.
I wanted to tell
but wasn't sure how.
I only had to deal with this once
before now.
My mom wouldn't do anything,
that I knew.
So I kept it to myself,
she didn't have a clue.
From then on I just ambled
through the days.
Dealing with my stress
in my own little ways.
Sleeping eight hours
every single night,
made me even more tired
which led to nasty fights.
Screaming incessantly about
the most insignificant things,
I just want to fly away
with my invisible wings.
Tired of everything,
just hand me the knife.
I'm done with this day
I'm done making the story of my life.